some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
