i just sent this text using only my big toe
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
It's never too late to be topless.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
