My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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