When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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