Cold hands, warm shart.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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