Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
