I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize