I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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