My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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