you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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