its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
