it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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