right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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