I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
