This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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