Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Randomize
