Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I can't put those talents on a resume
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
