tell your sister to shave her snatch
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
