My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
