and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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