I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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