This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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