Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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