just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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