There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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