K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
