Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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