Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Holy sore nipples Batman
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
