So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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