They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
