I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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