remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize