That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
