You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
