you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
