I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize