so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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