Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Life is so much better after having sex.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm too high and old for this...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
