i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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