im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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