I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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