Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
