I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
