just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize