I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Holy shit dude........stairs
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize