that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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