So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
