You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
