I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
a search helicopter?!
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
