And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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