i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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