Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
