I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
