I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Vodka?
Forever.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
