I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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