i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
