my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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