I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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