I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
