in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
