I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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