Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
