I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
