That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
