come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Randomize
