I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
