now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
